I believe that I am taking a trip to a winery this afternoon. I’m going with JJ who, of course, had to start his day off with soccer. I started my day with sleeping.

I was out until 3am last night.

La Doyenne and I had a nice girls night complete with coffee and a movie. We saw The Proposal and for a moment I worried that I was destined to become Margaret. If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t worry, I’m not giving anything away. It’s Sandra Bullock afterall. She’s made an entire career by staring in movies about women who went from Undesirable to Desirable.

You can sort of see that coming.

However, she’s a serious worker. She’s worked hard and made something of herself et cetera and you know how that always goes. She’s alone and forces people to help her and no one likes her, but she’s good at her job. Her personal life is measured and clean and surpriseless but she knows how to get things done.

I am unnecessarily worried about becoming that.

It’s partially because I was told Thursday that I “need to be hugged” and “should stop being so terrifyingly perfect for one minute” and various other semi-parently advice from physchology people. It could be because I was told on Tuesday that I am “the one whose schedule we have to work around. You’re always working.” Or perhaps because when I was asked on a date by JJ, I almost turned him down for the tenth time in a row before he said “it’s been a long time since we did anything but watch you work.”

Apparently it’s been almost a month since I said “Yes” without following it with “but I need to bring some work.”

Not that I don’t love the work I’m doing, but La Doyenne sort of put her finger on it last night.
“You are like me,” she said, as we sipped our coffee, “you don’t like to lose.”
“Lose against what?” I asked. I know she’s right, but what am I competing with?
“It’s just apparent loss sometimes, you know? Like when the job that you hate the most of all is taken away and given to your arch enemy. Or not even your arch enemy. Just taken away. You will feel slighted and like they don’t like what you were doing even if the reasons are good, like, your time is better spent in more important jobs.”

JJ understands my need to win. So does my mom, even if she’s better at dealing with it than I am.

This isn’t a complaint. It’s just a realisation of things I’ve known all along. And maybe I do end up as Margaret; a really good, personally responsible, dependable woman.

That’s good, too.

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