I think it’s time to revisit my self-examination. It’s been a couple of years since I last asked myself why I believed something or how I’ve come to be who I am. It started tapering off, I think, when my self-reflection was called into question as narcissistic and unfettered self-indulgence.
We all know how much I want everyone to love me and I think that had something to do with it.
So back we go to long hours of thinking about why I am a church-goer, why I am in support of philanthropy, and why I am inclined not to cut my losses. I want know why I eat what I eat and why I drink what I drink. Where did I get my need to listen to music all the time and why do I prefer to cook for myself? Why am I a liberal? Why don’t I like to be alone? Why do I have such trouble with the whole idea of immediate trust?
I don’t have any idea where to start. The political things, I suppose, and then religious. Maybe then the life style habits and interpersonal relationships. I feel remarkably misinformed on all of these subjects though I have always prided myself on not having been spoon-fed my positions and ideals.
It makes me worry, that lack of knowledge, that I am indeed spoon-fed.
It’s an introspective, brooding night in the place. I can just tell. I’m waiting to hear from everyone about weekend plans. I have no idea who is doing what or when they might be doing those things. Many people have said they want to do things with me, but I swing it very short notice. And the notice is becoming shorter and shorter as the hours pass.
Maybe it’s time for some dinner.